apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Randomize
