Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
