he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
