3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
