i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
