I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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