You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
