Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
