my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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