I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
