I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize