i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
