my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
