Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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