The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
