I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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