my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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