my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
