Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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