I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
