just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wish i was in the wii world.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
