Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
