Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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