worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Sacagawea was the original milf.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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