why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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