I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
