good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
