Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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