My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
