Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
