There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
