i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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