Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
if only i could text you this smell
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
