...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
