pop tarts are not kleenex
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
