I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I have fence marks all over my body
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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