They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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