I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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