remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
