remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
