I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
