i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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