you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize