Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
