If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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