Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
