can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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