She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize