I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
