In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
