Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
