I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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