You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
