I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
