the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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