buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
