I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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